Types of gaslighting – common examples and what to look out for

Common types of gaslighting and what to look out for.

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Gaslighting is an abuse tactic, typically used by a narcissist to gain power and control over their victim. 

Their aim is for the victim to question their own sanity, memories, and perception of reality, to gain control. Typically this leads to confusion, loss of confidence, uncertainty and dependancy of the narcissist. 

Here is your ultimate guide to protecting yourself from emotional and psychological abuse.

The Abuser – The signs to look out for 

While anyone can gaslight, it is a common tactic abusers use to gain power and control in their relationships. 

Gaslighting may include:

The victim – The Signs To Look Out For 

People who experience types of gaslighting can find their perspective of life can be distorted, and it difficult to identify red flags. The abuser will perceive themselves as a loving, caring and trustworthy individual, before turning on them. By this time, the victim believes and trusts the narcissist and is wrapped up in their vicious web of lies, and twisted sense of reality. 

Some potential signs that you are subject to gaslighting: 

Types of gaslighting – how gaslighting works

Gaslighting often begins gradually, it is a method used by narcissistic individuals to gain control and power over someone else. The abusive person charms and builds trust with their partner, in which there is no abusive behaviour at this stage. They then start to manipulate to the point that the other person questions their own sanity, memory, or perceptions. The gaslighter can do this by denying, downplaying, and blaming. Often the victim will doubt themselves, lose confidence and become dependant on the gaslighter. 

Gaslighter – Common Characteristics 

Gaslighters tend to share some common characteristics:

Situations where types of gaslighting occur

Gaslighting can occur in any type of interaction, but here are some common situations:

Relationships

Gaslighting is a common form of abuse in unhealthy controlling relationships. It can happen in romantic relationships at any age — teenage relationships, adult engagements, and marriage. In relationships, the abuser may gaslight their partner to make you doubt your thoughts and feelings. It will start gradually, then grow into you doubting yourself and losing sense of reality. For example, it could be that you are told you are too sensitive or not loveable. The aim is to take advantage of their partners trust, and create self-doubt, therefore, leading to confusion and dependancy of the narcissist. 

Narcissistic parents

Gaslighting parents often need to control their children. It is a manipulative tactic used to emotionally abuse the child. Here are some examples:

Types of Gaslighting in a Relationship

Examples of gaslighting in a relationship include:    

1. Distracting With Compassion

Often the abuser will distract their victim with compassion. For example; your in a relationship with a narcissist who will physically hurt you. You may here phrases such as; “I just love you so much, I don’t want to lose you”, “I get so angry and I care about you”, “You made me do it”, “Don’t make me hit you again, I care too much about you”.

Gaslighting partners will often manipulate their victim into thinking they can trust them, so distort their perception and lower their confidence. You will tend to find that in toxic relationships, the victim starts to believe their partner, and doubt themselves. Unfortunately, this often causes them to feel like it’s their fault, they are overreacting and that their partner cares for them. 

2.Showing Inauthentic Concern

The abuser will put energy into listening to the other persons problems and feelings to build trust initially. They will then start to identify their weaknesses and exploit it further, causing insecurities, devaluation them and making them doubt themselves. The aim here is to lower the other persons confidence, and make themselves feel more superior. 

3.Gossiping & Rumours 

Gaslighting friends thrive on gossip, as it offers them a sense of validation, control, and power. They tend to be insecure and not enjoy their own life, therefore making up stories and gossiping will make them feel better. 

4.Denying Abuse

Most cases you will find that the abuser will deny what happened, the abuser will gaslight the victim into believing them. 

5.Minimising Feelings & Passive Aggression  

Abusers tend to use phrases that include the words ‘too sensitive’, exaggerating’, or ‘dramatic’ to shame their victims. For example, they may poke fun at you and say things like ‘Your unsocial’ meaning that they don’t want you to socialise and you’re not allowed to go out. 

6.Tearing Down Accomplishments 

People who gaslight are insecure, they are incapable of feeling happy or proud of another person. They often feel intimidated and jealous and as a result, will use tactics to tear down others achievements. For example, you have booked a holiday, they respond with ‘I know someone who went there, and it’s dirty’ or you’ve got a job promotion and they covertly put-down, give a backhanded compliment, change the conversation about them, or change the subject altogether. It could be that they are fuelled by that much rang and jealousy that they will ignore you. 

7.Shifting Blame

Narcissists are incapable of admitting fault and dealing with mistakes. They tend to blame their partners or children for their wrongdoing. You may hear phrases such as “you made me do it”, “look what you made me do”, “If it wasn’t for you doing x, then this wouldn’t of happened”

8.Dismissing The Needs Of Others

Dismissing the needs of others is a huge warning sign for abusers and very common with some types of gaslighting. You must remember that everything revolves around the abuser, and nobody else’s needs matter, unless it somehow benefits them. This can happen in a relationship, friendship or with a narcissistic parent. You may hear things such as “you’re so spoilt”, “Lucky you”, “Alright for some” and passive aggression in the way of putting down the situation. This results in the other person feeling devalued, a burden and unworthy of their needs not being listened to. 

9.Labeling Feelings

During childhood, you should be free to express emotion and opinion. An abuser will look to manipulate the child into doing or thinking what they want. For example, “you don’t like playing with your friends do you?”, “Your not hungry are you?” “You’re not upset are you” “You don’t want to do that, you want to do x”. Overtime, the child learns to agree with the abuser to protect themselves from abuse and loses the sense of thinking for themselves. This can cause challenges during adult life. 

10.Denying the Truth

Abusers will lie about previous conversations, telling the other person it never happened. They will gaslight their victims into thinking they’ve made it up.

11.Pitting Friends Against Each Other

Some types of Gaslighting can also come in the form of putting siblings against one another, or friends stirring situations, making up rumours, and gossiping, to get people on their side. The abusers behaviour comes from a sense of abandonment and neglect as a child, they need to feel important and gain ‘followers’ to validate their bad behaviour. They will also treat their followers with the same disrespect. 

12.Tearing Down Relationships 

There are people in this world that get enjoyment from tearing down other peoples relationships. Often, you will find that the abuser is severely jealous and wants to be “friends” with their friends partner, their intention is to tear down the relationship and steal their significant other. They will make up rumours, jump on weaknesses, gossip to others, and create problems within their relationship. If caught, they will deny their intentions and blame the partner for flirting or fancying them, and when the relationship has been ‘successfully broken up’ they will look to make a move on them, quickly drop them and move onto their next victim when they are bored. 

13.Hypocrisy

Often people who gaslight will go by the rule that it’s one rule for them and another for me. They will do what they want however, will be strict and come down hard of those who don’t follow their rules. This can be within the workplace, a friendship or partnership.

If you are suffering or have suffered at the hands of a narcissist, you may benefit from speaking to a therapist. A therapist can help you identify triggers and thought patterns which may be impacting your mental health, to work on coping strategies. Many of our followers have had great success using Online Therapy to overcome anxiety issues as a result of narcissistic abuse. We have have a 20% offer currently running for Online Therapy.