You may be reading this article if you suspect someone close to you, is a narcissist. If so, I feel your pain. But also, well done for realising, as this can often be the hardest part. Taking the next step to protect yourself from a narcissist in a relationship can be daunting, as you may be worried about a backlash. So, you are ready to set some boundaries or even go no contact, but how does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?
What is a narcissist and why do they behave this way?
A narcissist is a person who has an inflated sense of self importance who is pre occupied with their own needs. Narcissists thrive on using manipulation, emotional and physical abuse, gaslighting and other forms of abuse to gain control of people. This control, feeds their desperate need to feel powerful, important and special. Unfortunately, narcissists treat everyone as a tool to feed their needs, even children, partners, parents, friends etc. With their intense feelings of self love, they have no empathy for others.
Narcissists can inflict their abuse on people in many ways. You may have a narcissistic family member or even a parent who is abusing you, constantly wearing you down with emotional blackmail to feel in control. You may a have a narcissistic colleague who only has one goal – to look the best and to see you look weak.
Either way, you need boundaries or even no contact at all from these people – otherwise your mental health will suffer. It is common for people who are involved with narcissists to struggle to meet goals, and/or become anxious and depressed.
So, you are ready to set some boundaries or go no contact, but how is this person going to react? The thought of this might even scare you in to enduring more abuse and saying nothing. Always remember, achieving your goals and feeling well is more important than feeding another persons selfish ego.
How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you
If a puppy or a small child keeps begging for a treat or toy, and you say no, they may cry and scream and act up – a narcissist does the same when you cut off their supply. But with a dog or a child, do you give in? No. Because you know the behaviour will only get worse. This should be no different when tackling a narcissists behaviour.
Typical behaviours of a narcissist when they can no longer control you are –
Anger and aggression – driven by intense rage from the fact they can no longer control you, or you are making your own decisions
Threats and manipulation in a desperate attempt you gain back control.
Irrational, obsessive behaviour such as harassment via phone calls, emails or even in person with unplanned visits.
They may simply ramp up the bullying in an attempt to gain back control
How a narcissist will specifically react depends on the circumstances of the relationship and why they need control. It also helps to understand how they they might be thinking within the dynamic of the relationship itself. For example, a narcissist who is a family member might operate slightly different to a work colleague, school mate, or coach.
Let’s look at some of the most common tactics of a narcissist when they lose control, and which relationships they occur in most.
Playing the victim and creating a smear campaign against you
The most common tactic of a narcissist is to play the victim, and create a smear campaign against you. Narcissists are experts at lying, manipulating and even charming people. They smear your reputation by telling friends, family and co workers that you were the aggressor and they are a victim who ‘was just trying to be nice’ or ‘was being a caring mother’ and you simply turned on them. They will play the card that they are worried and are bemused at why you have reacted the way you have, completely ignoring the fact/failing to see they have been bullying, controlling and manipulating you to the point you are mentally un well.
This tactic further feeds their personality disorder as they get attention and feel important again from anyone stupid enough to listen. They also get more power from thinking others are against you.
This is a simple case of not handling rejection, being unable to see themselves as the issue so it’s easier to recruit others and destroy you, to maintain superiority which is the only aim.
This tactic is common among workplace narcissists, family, school or even sports teams. This is particularly difficult as it can seem like your reputation is ruined and this can hurt, particularly if your family turn on you or even work colleagues.
It is important, in this situation to always carry yourself in the right way. Do not engage the issue, or lower yourself to the narcissists level. If you behave the right way, others will see and if they don’t, they are most likely involved in the issue and you will need to explore cutting or lowering contact with the family, changing jobs, or changing sports teams etc in order to maintain your mental health.
Harassment
A common tactic I talk about when I’m asked ‘how does a narcissist react when they can’t control’ you is harassment. A narcissist is often enraged at rejection, and harassment is used to try and force control back. They simply cannot sit back and take no for an answer, their need for control is too intense.
They may show up un announced, bombard you with calls/texts, emails or even letters. These unwanted interactions with be filled with manipulation, threats, aggressive behaviour all designed to gain control.
Family members can have a particularly strong effect on your mental health. They will often harass you to try and manipulate you. They will use phrases such as ‘family always look out for each other’ or parents will use the ‘we brought you up and sacrificed so much for you’ card.
They might even threaten to release secret’s or sensitive information. This is an attempt to scare you so they gain back control. This could be particularly damaging if in the workplace, as they could try to threaten your job to add financial pressure to the the mental pressure. These threats are to ‘Hoover’ you back under their control.
It is important here, to remember the child or puppy analogy. If you give in to this behaviour, they will only get worse when you cannot meet unrealistic demands and generally have more of a hold you – destroying your mental health. If you ignore them, they will tire and move on to someone else. If their harassment gets too much to handle, consider involving the police or getting a restraining order.
They will ignore you or ‘ghost you’
This usually happens when they are tired of harassing, smearing and manipulating you to no effect. This is great news if no contact was your goal. It means they have most likely found someone else to control. It must be said they may still attempt to come after you for more supply in the future.
There are some circumstances where this can even be a form of further abuse, if no contact wasn’t your end goal. Many circumstances, we may not want to cut contact with a narcissist. For example, a parent or sibling may show narcissistic behaviour and you simply want to limit contact to maintain your mental health, but still maintain a relationship with them and the wider family. Or a colleague, may be too over powering and you simply do not want to socialise outside of working together.
These can be hard circumstances to navigate. If you are dealing with a narcissistic sibling or parent for example, and you say no to attending Sunday dinner every week. This to a narcissist can be taken as an attack and they may react badly to the rejection. You may have ignored the smear campaign, manipulation and harassment but then they ghost you. Having a family member completely blank you, because you no longer can fulfil unrealistic demands can be hard. Maintaining a normal relationship with the wider family when this happens is very tough.
Similar behaviour can happen in the workplace. A colleague who is a narcissistic may suddenly ghost you at work, choosing to ignore you and sacrifice work projects, because you politely reject an evening drink. This can impact your career goals and financial situation.
As with harassment and manipulation, ghosting is just another way to win back control rather than compromise on the situation and except your needs. It is important not to give in to this form of manipulation, to maintain your mental health. Navigating a wider family or work relationship in this scenario can be very tricky. I recommend a good therapist skilled in toxic family systems and toxic working environments to help you develop skills needed to cope with this behaviour, if going no contact is not possible.
How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you – Flying monkeys
Flying monkeys is the name given to people recruited by narcissists to continue their manipulation, abuse and control when they are not around. These people act with the narcissist interests at heart and are usually acting under the spell of charm of the narcissist, seemingly unable to think for themselves.
They will come on the form of mutual friends, colleagues or family members and will use any relationship they have with you. You may see them as a friend when really they are simply a henchman of the narcissist you are ignoring or not feeding.
They will deliver forms of abuse such as manipulation, gas lighting, threats, bullying and even violence to please the narcissist. Any information you give them, will get straight back to the narcissist and most likely be used to further smear you.
Knowing this common tactic of a narcissist can help protect you from these flying monkeys. Do not engage them on any issues relating to the narcissist and your situation. If they continue to abuse or manipulate you, then grey rock them. If the abuse escalated, call the authorities.
How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you – Conclusion
Having a narcissist who is using you for their supply of control and power is exhausting. Identifying this is often the hardest part. But once you lower or cut contact, this is when the behaviour escalated. It is important to not let this alter your approach.
Understanding these typical responses and tactics from a narcissist, can help you navigate their twisted behaviour wether it’s in the workplace, family, friends or a relationship. There is no quick fix, but following this advise can help you get to a place of happiness and better mental health.
It is important, to invest time in your self. Make time to exercise and focus on your mental wellness, to feel better and help you achieve your goals. Try these morning motivation tips to start your day off right, and feel better.