Am I dating a narcissist

When you first met, it felt like you’ve known them your whole life, you felt comfortable, loved, and as you met the perfect partner and were living a fairytale. But now you might be wondering, am I dating a narcissist?

Suddenly they drop the ‘L’ word on you, having only known them five minutes. Maybe your intuition sensed a few things were off, that it was too good to be true, or wonder how someone could express their love for so quickly.  But the reality is, it’s easy to miss the red flags when dating a narcissist as they are masters at charming and confusing their victims. 

Narcs believe they are superior and unique compared to others, and when you start to question certain behaviours, they will turn to anger, and that rage quickly switches to charm, dazzling you with their charm and you soon get wrapped up in their rollercoaster of emotions. The, life becomes unpredictable and the self blame kicks in. You start to question your sanity, and become part of their twisted sense of reality. 

One day, your world comes crashing down, you quickly come to the realisation, that you could in fact be dating a narcissist. 

You begin to feel violated, angry, followed by shame and guilt. It’s important that you don’t blame yourself, be kind to yourself, you’ve experienced enough criticism. 

The fact that you are reading this article, and you’ve allowed yourself to see those red flags, is the single most hardest step in moving forward, and it’s the first step to a bright future. Congratulations. 

Is it possible to know if you’re dating a narcissist?

If you become suspicious that the person you have started dating displays narcissistic tendencies, you may want to proceed with caution. 

Here are some narcissism red flags: 

• Lacking empathy: They have no care or respect for others needs. 
• Sense of entitlement: They expect everything to fall at their feet, with no effort. 
• Needs to be the centre of attention: They will get enraged if they are not centre of attention.
• Confidence and arrogance: Talk about unrealistic fantasies, lie about promotions, constantly take pictures of themselves, excessive posting on social media for attention or talk about how people fancy them. 
• Exploits other people’s weaknesses or mistakes for their own gain. 
• Believe that they are special and more important than other people. 
• Jealous of others or think that others are envious of them. 
• Gossip about people they’re secretly jealous of. 
• Make up their own reasons for why that person is successful, or well-liked etc. 

The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle

If you are dating a narcissist, you will likely experience these three stages.

Luring you in 

The relationship tends to move quickly. It’s common to feel as though you’ve known them your whole life or that they are the most perfect person in the world for you. You will hear phrases such as “Your special,” “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,” or “We’ll be together forever,” “Your the only one for me” in the first few weeks of dating.

Tangled in their web  

After a few weeks, you might find yourself in love with the charm of the Narc. Gradually their true colours will start to show, and they will work to destroy your self-esteem. The narc will start to put your feelings, concerns and needs down, critiquing your abilities and suppressing your ambitions. Finally the gas lighting will start to take place, when you begin to question their behaviour, they will make you feel crazy, that your too sensitive and that your making things up. This will inevitably cause you to doubt yourself, and distort your own judgement.

Discard you  

When you no longer serve the Narc, the emotional abuse increase. Narcissistic individuals will ensure that you are left exhausted, shamed and at fault. You will hear comments such as ‘nobody will love you,’ your not good enough,” and this is “all your fault” Likely the narcissist will be the one to eventually leave, moving on quickly to their next victim. 

How to spot a narcissist on the first date

While it’s difficult to spot a narcissist on the first date, there are some warning signs you should look out for. 

• You’re on a first date with someone who’s makes you feel special, but you’re concerned that it feels too good to be true. 
• They are displaying selfish or shallow behaviour which raises suspicions.
• They gossip and/or make mean comments about other people. 
• They suggest people are jealous of them. 
• The conversation is all about them and when they ask you a question, it quickly is related back to them. 
• They keep looking around the room to see if anyone is looking at them. 
• Excessive compliments, gifts and gestures having known them for five minutes 
• They declare their love for you or that you are ‘special’ or the ‘only one’ having known them a short amount of time.
• They believe that the world is against them and play a victim for you to feel sorry for them. 
• Inflating self opinion of themselves, talking about money and promotions. 
• Their social media is full of selfies. 
• They excessively post on social media for attention. 
• Their eyes start to glaze over when you start talking about your interests 
• They tend to complain a lot or gets angry at the waiter for small things.
• They need an excessive amount of attention.
• They avoid personal questions about your achievements and focus the conversation on your weakness or vulnerabilities. 
• They contradict themselves, lie and manipulate conversations.

Am I dating a narcissist – what next?

So, you think you might be dating a narcissist. What you do next, depends on the severity of the narcissism. You certainly, need to proceed with caution, especially if you are in the ‘luring you in stage’. This stage is easier to block the tactics and avoid getting in too deep with someone who is potentially toxic. Take your time in the relationship and set boundaries, if these boundaries are ignored you will need to explore ending the relationship.

If you are further along in the relationship, and the manipulation and control is making you unhappy, or you are suffering abuse, you will need to explore lowering contact or cutting contact.

Saying no or rejecting a narcissist can cause them to behave very irrationally, often increasing the abuse on the victim. It’s important to protect yourself from this before you make any choices on ending the relationship – particularly if you are financially connected. You need to be aware of the tactics narcissists use when they are rejected, such as smearing, love bombing, blaming, shaming and harassing. These are all designed win back control.