How To Recognise And Deal With a Narcissistic Brother

Having a brother who is a narcissist can be challenging and emotionally draining. It’s important to understand the characteristics of narcissism and learn how to cope with their behavior. In this blog post, we will explore what it means to have a narcissistic brother and provide some helpful tips on how to navigate this complex relationship.

Having grown up in a dysfunctional family system with a narcissistic brother myself, I understand that each individual situation is different. The internet is full of good advice on how to identify narcissistic behaviours and protect yourself. But this advice is often too generic. I wanted to help provide the go to advice, but also share my own story which I feel may be helpful in aiding people on their journey to better mental health from living in a dysfunctional family.

What is Narcissism?

Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Individuals with narcissistic traits often have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and believe they are superior to others. They may manipulate and exploit others to fulfill their own needs and desires.

Recognizing Narcissistic Behavior in Your Brother

Identifying narcissistic behavior in your brother can help you better understand his actions and reactions. Some common signs of narcissism include:

Of course, these are just the typical signs of a narcissistic sibling. Often, there are many specific issues related to each persons own circumstances.

How I Discovered I had a Narcissitic Brother

I was the youngest of three siblings. My brother was my idle, I looked up to him and tried emulate everything he did. He always looked out for me, defended me and cared about me, so I thought.

Growing up there were lots of arguments, disagreements and dysfunctional behaviours in my family. Despite this, as a young boy I thought my family was superior and we were all very ‘close’. I now know, this is just the facade my parents created without actually working on providing a loving environment where boundaries were respected. Aside form the perfect family facade, we were all painted as perfect individuals. My brother was the best looking, perfect golden child while I was the intelligent one. My sister was given the role of the care giver.

Of course, these roles were all images my parents had in their heads, and absolutely no efforts were made to nurture who we really were as people. I began to realise this when I would fail at exams and not make football teams etc – It never occurred to me at a young age I had to work at being successful. As time progressed, I began to change and realise I needed to work hard in order to achieve things, I wasn’t automatically superior.

My brother had similar expectations but more around being the older, perfect, golden child sibling. He was labelled with the expectations of perfect relationships, picture perfect image and financial status. In contrast to me, he believed this and still does to this day – despite things not turning out perfect in these areas.

As I we grew older, I noticed a pattern of angry outbursts and controlling/entitled behaviour. This behaviour often turned towards me, but was equally disturbing when I saw it go on other family members. I brushed all this under the rug, choosing to focus only on the ‘caring’ part of him. But living this easy was making me anxious, nervous and effecting my physical health. Looking back, his angry outbursts and criticism towards me were all because he was struggling to meet the high expectations of himself. Rather work hard to achieve financial status, good relationships, he just thought he was entitled to it. When it didn’t work out, he took it out on those around him.

As time went on, the addition of relationships and children made everything worse. I developed a stable career, got married and began to travel often. He developed a pattern of unstable relationships, which were full of turmoil and drama, eventually becoming a single father. The addition of a nephew just added to the list of things that could be used control me, not just by my brother but my entire family.

Much like when we were children, my brother felt entitled to my life. This was due to his status as being the number 1 golden child in the family system. So, he would often over step boundaries to give me career advice, criticise my wife, and tell me who I should/shouldn’t be seeing. Then things really began to unravel, when I discovered that he was often acting as a flying monkey for my mother. Using his status to manipulate me at the hands of my mother.

I knew I needed to take action to protect myself.

Dealing with a Narcissistic Brother

Living or interacting with a narcissistic brother can be challenging, but there are strategies you can employ to maintain your own well-being. Before you decide on the strategies you need, its is important to learn about your families specific dynamics.

Typically, a narcissistic brother is usually carrying out a role given to them by parents in a dysfunctional family. Once you begin to understand how your dysfunctional family works, you can begin to use certain tools and skills to protect yourself from further abuse. This article talks about dysfunctional families and what to look out for.

The following methods can be helpful to protect yourself from further abuse:

Set Boundaries

Establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively. Let your brother know what behaviors are unacceptable and what consequences will follow if those boundaries are crossed. A healthy person should respect boundaries. Every individual has a right to set their own boundaries. Being a ‘brother’ does not excuse them for repeatedly stepping over these.

Focus on Self-Care

Take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Engage in activities that bring you joy and surround yourself with supportive friends and family members. Yoga for example is great for balancing the body and mind by using breath work and stretching.

Seek Support

Consider seeking therapy or joining a support group to help you navigate the challenges of having a narcissistic brother. Talking to others who have had similar experiences can provide valuable insights and coping strategies. There are lots of resources available such as these YouTube channels, which were a great help to me when I was on my journey learning to cope with narcissistic siblings.

Practice Empathy

While it can be difficult, try to understand that your brother’s narcissistic behavior is a reflection of his own insecurities and vulnerabilities. With better perspective, you can set firmer foundries and stand by them. For example, there may be certain situations in your family system where your parents’ dysfunction impacted you and your brother. You may have processed these feelings, and your sibling has simply not processed it and developed coping strategies. These are often the very strategies that can cause them to be toxic to others.

This doesn’t excuse his actions, but it can help you approach the situation with empathy to gain a better understanding of the bigger picture.

Limit Contact if Necessary

If your brother’s behavior becomes toxic or abusive, and they continue to over step boundaries, it may be necessary to limit or cut off contact for your own well-being. Remember, your mental and emotional health should always be a priority.

Stop searching for Validation

It can be natural to seek out validation from your narcissistic brother or other family members. This is something I fell in to the trap of doing for years. Often, in a toxic family system, a hierarchy is installed by the parents. This means your brother will likely always see himself as ‘higher’ in the pecking order. Often, many other associates of the family may also be supportive of this system. Therefore, any attempts to validate your decisions will result in you feeling worse, if your brothers’ ‘side’ is taken.

Learning to trust your own instincts, is key when dealing with a narcissistic brother. Once I stopped searching for validation from others, I began to trust myself and heal much quicker. Remember, you are doing the hard work, dealing with your issues and developing and growing as a person. Your brother is just in a fantasy world where everyone is beneath him, using others as a supply to feel ‘superior’ and failing to realise he is not growing or developing as a person.

How I coped with life, growing up with a narcissistic brother

After realising my brother was being abusive towards me, I decided I needed to take action to protect my marriage, mental health and career.

My first step was to limit contact and set boundaries. I knew without these I was exposing myself. I was no longer willing to be used as a punching bag for his own self esteem, despite how ‘caring’ he could be at times. However, for anyone in this situation – setting boundaries and limiting contact is extremely hard. In doing this, it made the aggression and controlling behaviour toward me much worse, and even my wife was subjected to verbal abuse. My narcissistic brother felt entitled to attack my wife, criticise my home and my career – all as a way to project the failings he had in these areas. This simply has to stop, as it causes nothing but pain.

My next step was to seek therapy to deal with the fall out. Sitting with the feeling of not feeding my brothers narcissism was extremely difficult. Everything in me wanted me to please him. Getting therapy, was the best thing I ever did. My therapist was able to work with me to determine the behaviours, habits and thought patterns that I had developed to cope. These coping strategies were impacting other areas of life, but were all related to one thing, growing up around narcissism. In time I learned to to care less about what he thought, and focused more on myself and setting strong boundaries.

I focused much of my time on activities that I enjoyed. I worked out regularly, worked on the garden, walked my chihuahua and made time to watch my favourite shows. This may sound obvious, but when we are anxious and have grown up around such demanding people, its often easy to sacrifice things to our own detriment. Prioritising these things is a good way to look after yourself and improve your mental health.

I moved away to distance myself. It was only a short distance away, but being in a new town was a great way to feel safe and protected. All the reminders of the past were left behind, I felt like it was a new start where I could finally be myself and focus on what I wanted, rather than what was expected of me.

Conclusion

Dealing with a narcissistic brother can be challenging, but by understanding the nature of narcissism and implementing healthy coping strategies, you can navigate this complex relationship. Remember to prioritize your own well-being and seek support when needed. With time and effort, you can find ways to maintain your own happiness and peace of mind.